Wednesday, June 20

Wednesday, June 10, 2009 – 3:17 p.m. –

I am starting a new journal today. I haven’t journaled since September of 2006, almost three years ago. I am hoping that this journal will not be so gloom and doom as my last two journals have been. The last two journals have been about being in relationships and getting over them which is so hard for me. I have not had a relationship with a man in the last 2-1/2 years.

I became a sober person and joined Alcoholics Anonymous on February 16, 2009. It has been quite a journey. Since then I have realized my Higher Power. There definitely is a God. I pray everyday, some times two and three times a day. My Higher Power has gotten me through some rough spots. I have turned my life over to my Higher Power.

I was drinking way too much and was starting to drink in the morning and by myself. My luck was going to run out when it came to drinking and driving. I can no longer drink alcohol. I do still take Ambien and Xanax but have spoken with my physician who sees no harm in taking these two prescriptions as long as I do not abuse which I do not.

I do a gratitude list everyday (at least 5 times a week, I sometimes forget on the weekends). I realize that I have much to be grateful for. The two most important things are God and Prayer.

My health is good. I am still employed. I have a great family and a few good friends. I am slowly trying to like myself again and be comfortable in my own skin. I am definitely trying not to live in the past. Hence the title of this journal - “That Was Then - This Is Now.” I cannot change things that have happened in the past.

I realized last night that I have changed somewhat. Jan called me to tell me that Molly is getting married and that she and Jimmy may be getting married in the next year or so. Normally my heart would have sank and I would be sad and envious to hear that news. But I wasn’t. I couldn’t believe it. I was honestly happy to hear the news. Of course I would never want to be married to Jimmy but that is a whole different story. The point is that those feelings of sadness and envy weren’t there. It is because of my Higher Power and a new serenity that I am finding each and every day.

So this is the beginning of my spiritual journey. My journey to become the person I want to be and that God wants me to be. I will try to remember to write as often as possible. I will perhaps write a mediation or prayer that has gotten me through the day. I may write two or three times in one day. I’m not sure . All I know is I want to write and be grateful.

“Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” Enjoy today, let God handle the rest!”

Today was a fun day at work. We had the Bob Lytle Memorial Golf Tournament. I got to see a few people from downtown. It is always good to see people from downtown. I am finally letting go of that experience. It is now going on two years since I left downtown to come out to Corporate Woods after Tom left the Firm. It has been very traumatic for me but also I have refused to let it go and have wallowed in it for far too long. I am lucky I still have a job and work with some nice people. I am not crazy about the man I work for (KLW) but that is for another time. Right now I am not in control of that situation. There is nothing I can do about it. I pray that God will guide me and lead me to something better but for the time being this is where I am at and I will make the best of it. I am lucky in the fact that the paralegal I work for (CLB) is very understanding and a spiritual person. I have confessed to her about my troubles with drinking and she has been very supportive. The only other person who knows of my drinking problem is DR, the office manager, who is also very supportive.

Right now the only thing that I have a concern over and that I need to pray more about is my financial situation. Money is always tight with me. I am trying to control my spending which I think I have in the past couple of months but there always seems to be something that comes along and I find it hard to save. I am going to keep praying about it. Actually I haven’t prayed that much about it so I think I may have to start praying more.

So this is the beginning. I hope this journal remains upbeat and positive. God is good.

As far as AA goes, I need to find a new sponsor. The sponsor I had (Debbie) is not working out. I haven’t spoken to her in at least 10 days. I never really felt comfortable with her or had a connection with her anyway. Don’t get me wrong, she is a very nice person. She is two years sober. I just think I want someone who has a little more sobriety. I know God will guide me to the right sponsor. I am attending a meeting tonight so perhaps my new sponsor will be there.

I may go to Shabbat services Friday night. We’ll see.