It dawned on me that I didn't write yesterday and almost forgot to write today. I have just been distracted with the whole Dixie fiasco. I shouldn't call it a fiasco. A poor little six month old puppy broke her elbow. But it has been quite an ordeal.
I'm trying to get past the "poor poor me" since I have to shell out so much money (a total of $2100). But, I wanted a second dog. God tried to send me some messages that I really didn't need a second dog but I didn't listen. I certainly don't think He had anything to do with Dixie breaking her leg. No way, now how. But I will start paying a little bit more attention to what God tries to tell me from now on.
But still, I love that little dog and she brings me and Sally a lot of joy. I really had no choice but to get the surgery. I had three different vets tell me that she would never have a good quality of life and that the lega would never heal properly if she did not have the surgery. What else was I going to do? Put her down? Never! This little girl is depending on me to give her a good life. I signed up to give it to her so she is my responsibility. The vet that did the surgery is working with me to make payments. I just want little Dixie to have a wonderful life. Plus, she gives me a purpose.
I had so much fun today with Gavin. He is so cute and fun. He is getting at that adorable age. We went to McDonald's and then to the school to play. He loves to swing. The two of us swing and sing. I will tell you this, my heart is full when I see that child. Thank you God.
My Twenty-Four Hours A Day book had a message about having a purposeful life. Trying to show purpose with others instead of myself. I am trying to do that. I went to the 8:30 meeting instead of the 10:00 meeting this morning. There was a man up there who I think was really a sad case. He was trying to get to Utah and wanted someone to help him find meetings there. I found a man to help him do just that and it made me feel good that I helped someone. I know it was a little thing but I still felt good about it.
I was pretty good with my money today. I spent $25 on a used sandbox for Gavin for his birthday. If I would have bought it new it would have cost me $60. I am really need to get my hair cut and colored but I can't afford $100. I found out that at Super Cuts I can get it colored for $35. I will probably wait until next week to do that though. Come Monday I have to come up with $500 to pay for Dixie. Ouch! I still have to buy a few groceries too, at least stuff for lunches.
It was a quiet day today but most of my days are anymore. But that's okay. I'm not drinking. And I'm praying and really believing in God.
See you tomorrow.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009`
10:35 p.m. - Dixie up and down. One minute she is walking around the next minute she is crying out in pain. I was able to take her outside and she went to the bathroom. She ate just a little but I forget she has just borken her leg and she is a puppy. I will just keep praying for her complete healing. It is going to be a journey. I've never really taken care of a "disabled" pet. But I think everything will work out fun. I justpray that Dixie's let heals well.
Pretty good meeting tonight. I was a little districted thinking of everything has has been going on the last couple of days. Tomorrow is my BIRTHDAY. Four months tomorrow. It seems like forever. I do honestly believe I no longer have the obsession to drink. When all this happened with Dixie i really felt serene and calm. I paniced a little bit when I hear the price of the surgery and honestly we aren't out of the woods yet when it comes to vet bills. I will just have to keep praying about them and hopefully they will be comething I can handle.
Let's hope tomorrow is just a quiet, God driven day for my birthday. A day of wonderment of being sober for 4 months. Thank you God.
Pretty good meeting tonight. I was a little districted thinking of everything has has been going on the last couple of days. Tomorrow is my BIRTHDAY. Four months tomorrow. It seems like forever. I do honestly believe I no longer have the obsession to drink. When all this happened with Dixie i really felt serene and calm. I paniced a little bit when I hear the price of the surgery and honestly we aren't out of the woods yet when it comes to vet bills. I will just have to keep praying about them and hopefully they will be comething I can handle.
Let's hope tomorrow is just a quiet, God driven day for my birthday. A day of wonderment of being sober for 4 months. Thank you God.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
It is 1:03 in the morning. I just got back from rushing my little Dixie dog to the vet. She and Sally were rough housing and from what I could tell Sally just ram rodded over Dixie and she must have gotten her leg tangled or Sally stepped on it wrong but either way her leg broken. I rushed her the emergency vet and after it was all said and done it cost me $504. The clincer is that they need to do surgery on her leg and put pins in it for a total of about $2500. YIKES. I am no in a state of shock.
But I am praying to God for help and guidance. This is a bump in the road for me. I can handle this. I did not for one minute think I needed a drink. I just worked about the money portion of it but I will find a way. I have to pay off some bills and may have to get a small loan but it will work and God will help me work it.
I think this might have been a subtle hint from him to day that he wasn't too pleased with me. I switched an empty bottle of purfume with Billie's half filled bottle. No a real nice and sisterly thing to do. I am going to try to take it back. My old self still rears its ugly head now and then. God is not happy with me about that and i certainly am not happy with myself. I will make amends and then hopefully God will forgive and lead me down a path of good rightesness.
But I am praying to God for help and guidance. This is a bump in the road for me. I can handle this. I did not for one minute think I needed a drink. I just worked about the money portion of it but I will find a way. I have to pay off some bills and may have to get a small loan but it will work and God will help me work it.
I think this might have been a subtle hint from him to day that he wasn't too pleased with me. I switched an empty bottle of purfume with Billie's half filled bottle. No a real nice and sisterly thing to do. I am going to try to take it back. My old self still rears its ugly head now and then. God is not happy with me about that and i certainly am not happy with myself. I will make amends and then hopefully God will forgive and lead me down a path of good rightesness.
Sunday, June 13, 2009
1:34 p.m.
I'm feeling a bit shaky right now and not sure why. Just a little anxiety. I get that every once in a while. Also feeling a bit lonely. I need to bring that up as a topic at a meeting. Lonlieness. Why do we feel lonely even in a crowd or among people. I have so much positive feedback lately from people. People who like me, thank me, are glad to see me yet I feel lonely. What am I missing? I can't put my figure on it. I talk to God and I know he is with me and I that I should never feel lonely with God in my life. But sometimes . . . I guess I just need to keep believing and praying. It comes and goes too.
I know in just a little while I will feel great because I will be seeing and spending time with Gavin. What a sweet boy. That's what it is all about. My Twenty-Four Hours A Day book entry for today was God speaking to me. It said: Face the day's problems with God. And in actuality I really don't have a lot of HUGE problems. Just problems that require having faith in God. I have to remember my gratitude list: Grateful to: GOD, PRAYER, WAKING UP, STILL EMPLOYED, HEALTH, FAMILY & FRIENDS. I just need to remember.
I just think about Mo Sutera. I miss her and I didn't even hang out with her that much. I just liked her so. But I can't dwell and wallow in that. She is in a better place and her light is shining down on everyone. I just have to get out of myself when I get like this.
Okay, I'm out of it. It's over. Done. God is good. I'm going out to get some sunshine. I will return later.
I'm feeling a bit shaky right now and not sure why. Just a little anxiety. I get that every once in a while. Also feeling a bit lonely. I need to bring that up as a topic at a meeting. Lonlieness. Why do we feel lonely even in a crowd or among people. I have so much positive feedback lately from people. People who like me, thank me, are glad to see me yet I feel lonely. What am I missing? I can't put my figure on it. I talk to God and I know he is with me and I that I should never feel lonely with God in my life. But sometimes . . . I guess I just need to keep believing and praying. It comes and goes too.
I know in just a little while I will feel great because I will be seeing and spending time with Gavin. What a sweet boy. That's what it is all about. My Twenty-Four Hours A Day book entry for today was God speaking to me. It said: Face the day's problems with God. And in actuality I really don't have a lot of HUGE problems. Just problems that require having faith in God. I have to remember my gratitude list: Grateful to: GOD, PRAYER, WAKING UP, STILL EMPLOYED, HEALTH, FAMILY & FRIENDS. I just need to remember.
I just think about Mo Sutera. I miss her and I didn't even hang out with her that much. I just liked her so. But I can't dwell and wallow in that. She is in a better place and her light is shining down on everyone. I just have to get out of myself when I get like this.
Okay, I'm out of it. It's over. Done. God is good. I'm going out to get some sunshine. I will return later.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009 -- 6:55 p.m.
A very lazy day today. I did go to a Saturday morning meeting which was good. The Saturday meetings are always good. There some people in there whom I really like. A couple of the women I would really like to have as my sponsor but Debbie lives out of town and Lauri E. already has quite a few sponsees. I think I am going to be okay with Lori H. One thing though that I am praying about is that Debbie did call me today and left me a message that perhaps we can get together sometime soon. I called back and left a message that yes I would like to get together. I almost said something in my message to the fact that I was going to work with someone else but chickened out. I should probably tell her face to face or at least talk to her over the phone about it instead of leaving a message. I think she will be fine and frankly I am not going to worry about it. It's all about me and I want to try and different sponsor. I think meeting and talking more about the steps and doing more book study is going to be good for me. I am just going to keep praying about it and listen for God's answer.
As a matter of fact that was the topic today. How you found your God and Higher Power. I told them in the meeting I just started listening to Him. I have always talked to Him but have never really listened to Him. When I had my last drink on February 15, 2009 I finally started listening. I pray that I keep listening.
One of the girls at AA told me about an online AA meeting group. I found it on the web and it looks interesting. You can go to meetings online. I sat in on one for a little while but it seemed a bit slow. I'm going to try another later tonight. I am going to the 8:00 meeting at Johnson County tonight also. There is a gal named Carol who I really like up there. She is funny and we have some laughs. She is also a drug addict and has been fighting her addictions for 20 years or so. Wow. I'm not sure I would be here if I was drinking and drugging for those many years. The last few years have taken their toll on me anyway.
I did good today and did not go out and spend any unnecessary money. I got gas and went to the grocery store. I almost went and got a pedicure and I still might but I am going to wait until tomorrow after I get an oil change which is a higher priority. I need to pay Bill back $86.00. I did manage to not have to get into savings to make it through the pay period but I also did not put any money into savings. I am putting $50 in this month. I just need to concentrate on paying off some bills. There is nothing that I need. I do need to get Sally her shots but I've waited on getting shots for my dogs before and I may have to wait until next month. I've got a Visa bill that I need to call and see if I can get a payment plan on. My minimum payment is now $175.00. Ouch! I need to get that down and fast. Those credit cards can kill you.
Well I'm going to start getting ready for the 8:00 meeting. It's nice to have somewhere to go and have some coffee and conversation. I have enjoyed my day today and have not felt sad or down at all. So far this journal has been so different compared to my other journals.
Grateful today for:
GOD
PRAYER
WAKING UP
STILL EMPLOYED
FAMILY
HEALTH
AA FELLOWSHIP
Many blessings. Thank you God.
As a matter of fact that was the topic today. How you found your God and Higher Power. I told them in the meeting I just started listening to Him. I have always talked to Him but have never really listened to Him. When I had my last drink on February 15, 2009 I finally started listening. I pray that I keep listening.
One of the girls at AA told me about an online AA meeting group. I found it on the web and it looks interesting. You can go to meetings online. I sat in on one for a little while but it seemed a bit slow. I'm going to try another later tonight. I am going to the 8:00 meeting at Johnson County tonight also. There is a gal named Carol who I really like up there. She is funny and we have some laughs. She is also a drug addict and has been fighting her addictions for 20 years or so. Wow. I'm not sure I would be here if I was drinking and drugging for those many years. The last few years have taken their toll on me anyway.
I did good today and did not go out and spend any unnecessary money. I got gas and went to the grocery store. I almost went and got a pedicure and I still might but I am going to wait until tomorrow after I get an oil change which is a higher priority. I need to pay Bill back $86.00. I did manage to not have to get into savings to make it through the pay period but I also did not put any money into savings. I am putting $50 in this month. I just need to concentrate on paying off some bills. There is nothing that I need. I do need to get Sally her shots but I've waited on getting shots for my dogs before and I may have to wait until next month. I've got a Visa bill that I need to call and see if I can get a payment plan on. My minimum payment is now $175.00. Ouch! I need to get that down and fast. Those credit cards can kill you.
Well I'm going to start getting ready for the 8:00 meeting. It's nice to have somewhere to go and have some coffee and conversation. I have enjoyed my day today and have not felt sad or down at all. So far this journal has been so different compared to my other journals.
Grateful today for:
GOD
PRAYER
WAKING UP
STILL EMPLOYED
FAMILY
HEALTH
AA FELLOWSHIP
Many blessings. Thank you God.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009 – 11:01 a.m.
Shabbat Shalom. Happy Friday. Feel good so far today. A little anxious so I took a pill. I’m always a little anxious. A lot of it is due to coffee drinking in the morning. I need to cut down on that. Well, maybe.
I’m not sure what is all on my plate for the weekend. Meetings of course. I had a great meeting last night up at the NE Johnson County group. The topic was perseverance. I passed on speaking but I hear a lot of good stuff. Mainly to keep going to meetings. I also got a new temporary sponsor. I’m going to start meeting with Lori on Wednesday nights. I like her. She is 2 years sober but I think I am going to connect with her better than I do with Debbie. Debbie is just not available to me and for some reason I never really could open up to her. I think I am really going to be able to open up to Lori. Lori also goes to meetings. I never see Debbie at the meetings and I really am not sure she is working the program. I need to learn to work the program better. I am going to meetings and not drinking and those are the key things but I need to do more.
I am really low on cash so I really have to lay low this weekend. Money is really getting tight with me. Of course it doesn’t help that I have so much debt but that is going to be another goal of mine is to get out of debt. I don’t need anything. I have all the clothes one could ever need, a lovely home, and a car that works. In that vein, I am going to get my oil changed on Sunday. I need to keep my car in good running order.
I need to always remember how blessed I am at the moment. I am employed and make a decent salary. I just need to learn how to budget better. I feel better physically than I have in over a year. Last year I was having real problems with my legs and feet but it has really subsided with my new anti-depressant and not drinking. I don’t know if that really has anything to do with it but I’m not going to question it. My kids are struggling a bit, both financially (Matt) and emotionally (Abby) but I can’t let that worry me too much right now. Here is my prayer on that:
“Therefore, I will tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life. Enjoy today, let God handle the rest.”
It will all work out in God’s time and with God’s plan. I put all my faith in Him.
I haven’t decided whether or not I am going to go to services tonight. I went a couple of weeks ago to B’nai Jehudah and although I enjoyed it, it is tough going alone. I think worship is for togetherness. God would probably disagree with me, but it felt a little lonely to me going by myself. May be in time it will get easier. I know Mom and Julius want me to join a temple and I’m all for it. Julius offered to pay for it. I need to take some action on that. I am enjoying learning about my religion and my faith. Judiasm has become important to me. I don’t want it to be just a passing fancy. I do know that I love reading the prayers. There are some beautiful Jewish prayers.
All my life I fought my religion and was embarrassed to be Jewish. I have no idea why. There certainly is nothing to be embarrassed about. There is a lot of my life that I have wasted being embarrassed about things but that was then this is now. It’s time to take action on getting a happy and fulfilled life. I know God is helping me so much. Thank you God.
My weekend journals will be on my home computer. I’ll write more later today if something comes up.
1:01 p.m.
Just got back from lunch and had an interesting voice mail on my cell phone. A gal from AA who I have only talked to a couple of times called me to thank me for talking with her the other night. She is a gal that is really struggling. Besides having drug and alcohol problems she is having marital and financial problems. She is an OB/GYN too. Anyway, I am taking all these little things that are happening to me as signs from my Higher Power. This is a sign that is helping me with the my self esteem. I feel good that I could help someone that and that someone admired what I had to say. May be this program will put me on a real good path to helping people as I help myself. Thank you God.
I do feel bad that I kind of talked about some girls today at work. I really am trying to better myself and not get caught up in worthless gossip. It’s all a process. I just have to remember that my Higher Power is listening. I don’t want him to be disappointed in me. I know I disappoint myself when I get caught up in that type of behavior.
10:43 p.m.
I just got home from the speaker meeting. Oh my gosh, those are such powerful and humbling meetings. These meetings feature people who are celebrating their "birthdays." There were three speakers tonight: Kimlee (1 year); Bob B. (5 years) and Mike (9 years). Kim and Mike's speeches were the most powerful. It's hard to explain what you walk away with after listening to these people. I sit and think about my talk when I have a year sober. I can't imagine that it would be as powerful as what I have heard these past couple of months. I certainly have not been to the bottom like some people. There are a lot who have wanted to kill themselves and I have never been at that point in my life. I have thought that Heaven would be such a nice place though. No financial worries, stress, etc., but that is about it. The thing is, I am not afraid to die anymore. I used to be but not anymore. When it is my time to go I know that I will be with God and people that I love. It is something to look forward to.
I hope that I can keep up this level of contentment. I just feel so "normal." How funny is that. I am really anxious to get started on the reunion but I think I need to just take it slow.
Debbie texted me today to ask how I was doing. I just texted back and told her that I was good and just going to a lot of meetings. She doesn't even go to meetings anymore I don't think. Anyway I talked with Lori tonight and we are going to get started this coming Wednesday. We are going to start from the very beginning. I am looking forward to it. I am not going to lie to Debbie and will probably tell her at some point that I am working with someone else. I want to make sure that Lori and I do well together. I think we will. We have spent some time together talking and I really like her. She goes to a lot of meetings and really works the program and that is just what I need.
I have tomatoes! My first home grown tomatoes have appeared. I'm so excited. I hope the rabbits don't get them.
Well that is all for today.
Let us adore the ever-living God, and render praise unto Him who spread out the heavens and established the earth, whose glory is revealed in the heavens above and whose greatness is manifest throught the world, He is our God, there is none else. We bow the head in reverence, and worship the King of kings, the Holy One, praised be He.
Shabbat Shalom. Happy Friday. Feel good so far today. A little anxious so I took a pill. I’m always a little anxious. A lot of it is due to coffee drinking in the morning. I need to cut down on that. Well, maybe.
I’m not sure what is all on my plate for the weekend. Meetings of course. I had a great meeting last night up at the NE Johnson County group. The topic was perseverance. I passed on speaking but I hear a lot of good stuff. Mainly to keep going to meetings. I also got a new temporary sponsor. I’m going to start meeting with Lori on Wednesday nights. I like her. She is 2 years sober but I think I am going to connect with her better than I do with Debbie. Debbie is just not available to me and for some reason I never really could open up to her. I think I am really going to be able to open up to Lori. Lori also goes to meetings. I never see Debbie at the meetings and I really am not sure she is working the program. I need to learn to work the program better. I am going to meetings and not drinking and those are the key things but I need to do more.
I am really low on cash so I really have to lay low this weekend. Money is really getting tight with me. Of course it doesn’t help that I have so much debt but that is going to be another goal of mine is to get out of debt. I don’t need anything. I have all the clothes one could ever need, a lovely home, and a car that works. In that vein, I am going to get my oil changed on Sunday. I need to keep my car in good running order.
I need to always remember how blessed I am at the moment. I am employed and make a decent salary. I just need to learn how to budget better. I feel better physically than I have in over a year. Last year I was having real problems with my legs and feet but it has really subsided with my new anti-depressant and not drinking. I don’t know if that really has anything to do with it but I’m not going to question it. My kids are struggling a bit, both financially (Matt) and emotionally (Abby) but I can’t let that worry me too much right now. Here is my prayer on that:
“Therefore, I will tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life. Enjoy today, let God handle the rest.”
It will all work out in God’s time and with God’s plan. I put all my faith in Him.
I haven’t decided whether or not I am going to go to services tonight. I went a couple of weeks ago to B’nai Jehudah and although I enjoyed it, it is tough going alone. I think worship is for togetherness. God would probably disagree with me, but it felt a little lonely to me going by myself. May be in time it will get easier. I know Mom and Julius want me to join a temple and I’m all for it. Julius offered to pay for it. I need to take some action on that. I am enjoying learning about my religion and my faith. Judiasm has become important to me. I don’t want it to be just a passing fancy. I do know that I love reading the prayers. There are some beautiful Jewish prayers.
All my life I fought my religion and was embarrassed to be Jewish. I have no idea why. There certainly is nothing to be embarrassed about. There is a lot of my life that I have wasted being embarrassed about things but that was then this is now. It’s time to take action on getting a happy and fulfilled life. I know God is helping me so much. Thank you God.
My weekend journals will be on my home computer. I’ll write more later today if something comes up.
1:01 p.m.
Just got back from lunch and had an interesting voice mail on my cell phone. A gal from AA who I have only talked to a couple of times called me to thank me for talking with her the other night. She is a gal that is really struggling. Besides having drug and alcohol problems she is having marital and financial problems. She is an OB/GYN too. Anyway, I am taking all these little things that are happening to me as signs from my Higher Power. This is a sign that is helping me with the my self esteem. I feel good that I could help someone that and that someone admired what I had to say. May be this program will put me on a real good path to helping people as I help myself. Thank you God.
I do feel bad that I kind of talked about some girls today at work. I really am trying to better myself and not get caught up in worthless gossip. It’s all a process. I just have to remember that my Higher Power is listening. I don’t want him to be disappointed in me. I know I disappoint myself when I get caught up in that type of behavior.
10:43 p.m.
I just got home from the speaker meeting. Oh my gosh, those are such powerful and humbling meetings. These meetings feature people who are celebrating their "birthdays." There were three speakers tonight: Kimlee (1 year); Bob B. (5 years) and Mike (9 years). Kim and Mike's speeches were the most powerful. It's hard to explain what you walk away with after listening to these people. I sit and think about my talk when I have a year sober. I can't imagine that it would be as powerful as what I have heard these past couple of months. I certainly have not been to the bottom like some people. There are a lot who have wanted to kill themselves and I have never been at that point in my life. I have thought that Heaven would be such a nice place though. No financial worries, stress, etc., but that is about it. The thing is, I am not afraid to die anymore. I used to be but not anymore. When it is my time to go I know that I will be with God and people that I love. It is something to look forward to.
I hope that I can keep up this level of contentment. I just feel so "normal." How funny is that. I am really anxious to get started on the reunion but I think I need to just take it slow.
Debbie texted me today to ask how I was doing. I just texted back and told her that I was good and just going to a lot of meetings. She doesn't even go to meetings anymore I don't think. Anyway I talked with Lori tonight and we are going to get started this coming Wednesday. We are going to start from the very beginning. I am looking forward to it. I am not going to lie to Debbie and will probably tell her at some point that I am working with someone else. I want to make sure that Lori and I do well together. I think we will. We have spent some time together talking and I really like her. She goes to a lot of meetings and really works the program and that is just what I need.
I have tomatoes! My first home grown tomatoes have appeared. I'm so excited. I hope the rabbits don't get them.
Well that is all for today.
Let us adore the ever-living God, and render praise unto Him who spread out the heavens and established the earth, whose glory is revealed in the heavens above and whose greatness is manifest throught the world, He is our God, there is none else. We bow the head in reverence, and worship the King of kings, the Holy One, praised be He.
Thursday, June 11
Thursday, June 11, 2009 – 11:00 a.m.
It’s the second day of my journal. You know, today I feel a little shaky and I’m not sure why. I have nothing really to pinpoint. I am trying to cut down on my Xanax (I take on 12.5 mg a day) and yesterday I didn’t take one at all so today I am just going to take ½. There are times that I just feel sad but these days I know how to handle it better and get out of myself. I pray and think of all the blessings in my life. I try to now sweat the little stuff anymore.
I went to a meeting last night and it was good. I almost asked this woman named Carla to be my sponsor but I ended up not doing so. I think God gave me a little sign not to. I like Carla but she can be a little brusque sometimes and also I think she bad mouths people. I don’t want to get into that. I am really trying to “keep my tongue from evil and my lips from speaking guile” as it says in my Jewish Union Prayer Book. I am trying very hard not to talk behind people’s backs and just do the right thing. That was the topic last night at the meeting. Doing the right thing. I know it is not the right thing to talk about people.
I did call Debbie last night and did not leave a message. She called me back but I didn’t talk to her. I am so confused about her. Maybe this is the type of sponsorship I need. I am not a real talker. I really don’t like talking about myself and I don’t need a babysitter. I would, however, like to talk with her a little more but when I do call and talk to her I find that I really don’t have much to say. I’m going to meetings and not drinking. I’m reading the literature and trying to do the right thing. Maybe I am working a good program. I don’t know. I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing. God will let me know if I’m going down the right path.
I have a goal – I am going to organize a committee to work on my 40th year high school reunion. I am going to start making plans and getting in touch with people. The reunion would not be until the summer of 2011 but it’s never to early to start these things. I think the first thing I am going to do is just talk and e-mail some people and try to get a committee started. My plan is to get some sort of quasi-committee started by the fall. During the summer a lot of people go on vacations and have weddings, graduations, etc. I think after schools at the end of August or early September I will get started. I know my hold high school friend Jackie Arnold is going to help me and I know I will be able to find others.
That’s all for now. I am going to go to a “nooner” meeting today. I will report back later. I’m feeling better already just writing and following this prayer:
Lord, help me to remember than when life is dragging me down all I need to do is look up. You are there with me every stop of the way. Help me to remember that I belong to You and through You all things are possible.
2:13 p.m.
Back from the “nooner” meeting. It went well. It was a Big Book study and they were reading the chapter about “All About Alcoholism.” That is a good chapter for me to be hearing as I am still learning to accept my alcoholism. I know in my heart that I can’t drink anymore. All I have to do is remember February 15, 2009 and the thought of alcohol sickens me. I can remember in those last days of binge drinking how I felt. My luck was going to run out if I kept drinking. My health would start to suffer and I know that I would have eventually gotten a DUI or hurt someone. God sent me a very strong message on February 15 and I have been listening to him ever since.
Today is also one month since my friend Mo Sutera passed away. I loved Mo dearly. Although we were never “best friends” or hung out together, I had known her for over 30 years. She died of breast cancer on May 11, 2009. All I can say about Mo is that she was the most genuine person I have ever met in my life. She just drew people to her. She was such a bright light. I am still grieving over her death. It’s funny because like I mentioned, we weren’t great friends and there was a time that I didn’t even see or talk to her for several years. She fought the good fight for 15 years. Her passing away at this time in my life has been significant. I now like to think that I have a guardian angel watching over me, although there are a lot of people who Mo is watching over. She had such a loving and extended family. I know her sisters, brother, mother, husband and children are lost without her. I know they are strong people though and I do pray for their healing daily. When I think about the journey that Mo took it makes me strong and I think in times of uncertainty “what would Mo do.” Mo would fight and go on and not wallow. I could go on and on about her but I won’t. Suffice it to say she will be an inspiration to me for the rest of my life. Fly high Mo. I love and miss you.
It’s the second day of my journal. You know, today I feel a little shaky and I’m not sure why. I have nothing really to pinpoint. I am trying to cut down on my Xanax (I take on 12.5 mg a day) and yesterday I didn’t take one at all so today I am just going to take ½. There are times that I just feel sad but these days I know how to handle it better and get out of myself. I pray and think of all the blessings in my life. I try to now sweat the little stuff anymore.
I went to a meeting last night and it was good. I almost asked this woman named Carla to be my sponsor but I ended up not doing so. I think God gave me a little sign not to. I like Carla but she can be a little brusque sometimes and also I think she bad mouths people. I don’t want to get into that. I am really trying to “keep my tongue from evil and my lips from speaking guile” as it says in my Jewish Union Prayer Book. I am trying very hard not to talk behind people’s backs and just do the right thing. That was the topic last night at the meeting. Doing the right thing. I know it is not the right thing to talk about people.
I did call Debbie last night and did not leave a message. She called me back but I didn’t talk to her. I am so confused about her. Maybe this is the type of sponsorship I need. I am not a real talker. I really don’t like talking about myself and I don’t need a babysitter. I would, however, like to talk with her a little more but when I do call and talk to her I find that I really don’t have much to say. I’m going to meetings and not drinking. I’m reading the literature and trying to do the right thing. Maybe I am working a good program. I don’t know. I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing. God will let me know if I’m going down the right path.
I have a goal – I am going to organize a committee to work on my 40th year high school reunion. I am going to start making plans and getting in touch with people. The reunion would not be until the summer of 2011 but it’s never to early to start these things. I think the first thing I am going to do is just talk and e-mail some people and try to get a committee started. My plan is to get some sort of quasi-committee started by the fall. During the summer a lot of people go on vacations and have weddings, graduations, etc. I think after schools at the end of August or early September I will get started. I know my hold high school friend Jackie Arnold is going to help me and I know I will be able to find others.
That’s all for now. I am going to go to a “nooner” meeting today. I will report back later. I’m feeling better already just writing and following this prayer:
Lord, help me to remember than when life is dragging me down all I need to do is look up. You are there with me every stop of the way. Help me to remember that I belong to You and through You all things are possible.
2:13 p.m.
Back from the “nooner” meeting. It went well. It was a Big Book study and they were reading the chapter about “All About Alcoholism.” That is a good chapter for me to be hearing as I am still learning to accept my alcoholism. I know in my heart that I can’t drink anymore. All I have to do is remember February 15, 2009 and the thought of alcohol sickens me. I can remember in those last days of binge drinking how I felt. My luck was going to run out if I kept drinking. My health would start to suffer and I know that I would have eventually gotten a DUI or hurt someone. God sent me a very strong message on February 15 and I have been listening to him ever since.
Today is also one month since my friend Mo Sutera passed away. I loved Mo dearly. Although we were never “best friends” or hung out together, I had known her for over 30 years. She died of breast cancer on May 11, 2009. All I can say about Mo is that she was the most genuine person I have ever met in my life. She just drew people to her. She was such a bright light. I am still grieving over her death. It’s funny because like I mentioned, we weren’t great friends and there was a time that I didn’t even see or talk to her for several years. She fought the good fight for 15 years. Her passing away at this time in my life has been significant. I now like to think that I have a guardian angel watching over me, although there are a lot of people who Mo is watching over. She had such a loving and extended family. I know her sisters, brother, mother, husband and children are lost without her. I know they are strong people though and I do pray for their healing daily. When I think about the journey that Mo took it makes me strong and I think in times of uncertainty “what would Mo do.” Mo would fight and go on and not wallow. I could go on and on about her but I won’t. Suffice it to say she will be an inspiration to me for the rest of my life. Fly high Mo. I love and miss you.
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