Friday, June 12, 2009

Friday, June 12, 2009 – 11:01 a.m.

Shabbat Shalom. Happy Friday. Feel good so far today. A little anxious so I took a pill. I’m always a little anxious. A lot of it is due to coffee drinking in the morning. I need to cut down on that. Well, maybe.

I’m not sure what is all on my plate for the weekend. Meetings of course. I had a great meeting last night up at the NE Johnson County group. The topic was perseverance. I passed on speaking but I hear a lot of good stuff. Mainly to keep going to meetings. I also got a new temporary sponsor. I’m going to start meeting with Lori on Wednesday nights. I like her. She is 2 years sober but I think I am going to connect with her better than I do with Debbie. Debbie is just not available to me and for some reason I never really could open up to her. I think I am really going to be able to open up to Lori. Lori also goes to meetings. I never see Debbie at the meetings and I really am not sure she is working the program. I need to learn to work the program better. I am going to meetings and not drinking and those are the key things but I need to do more.

I am really low on cash so I really have to lay low this weekend. Money is really getting tight with me. Of course it doesn’t help that I have so much debt but that is going to be another goal of mine is to get out of debt. I don’t need anything. I have all the clothes one could ever need, a lovely home, and a car that works. In that vein, I am going to get my oil changed on Sunday. I need to keep my car in good running order.

I need to always remember how blessed I am at the moment. I am employed and make a decent salary. I just need to learn how to budget better. I feel better physically than I have in over a year. Last year I was having real problems with my legs and feet but it has really subsided with my new anti-depressant and not drinking. I don’t know if that really has anything to do with it but I’m not going to question it. My kids are struggling a bit, both financially (Matt) and emotionally (Abby) but I can’t let that worry me too much right now. Here is my prayer on that:

“Therefore, I will tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life. Enjoy today, let God handle the rest.”
It will all work out in God’s time and with God’s plan. I put all my faith in Him.

I haven’t decided whether or not I am going to go to services tonight. I went a couple of weeks ago to B’nai Jehudah and although I enjoyed it, it is tough going alone. I think worship is for togetherness. God would probably disagree with me, but it felt a little lonely to me going by myself. May be in time it will get easier. I know Mom and Julius want me to join a temple and I’m all for it. Julius offered to pay for it. I need to take some action on that. I am enjoying learning about my religion and my faith. Judiasm has become important to me. I don’t want it to be just a passing fancy. I do know that I love reading the prayers. There are some beautiful Jewish prayers.

All my life I fought my religion and was embarrassed to be Jewish. I have no idea why. There certainly is nothing to be embarrassed about. There is a lot of my life that I have wasted being embarrassed about things but that was then this is now. It’s time to take action on getting a happy and fulfilled life. I know God is helping me so much. Thank you God.

My weekend journals will be on my home computer. I’ll write more later today if something comes up.

1:01 p.m.

Just got back from lunch and had an interesting voice mail on my cell phone. A gal from AA who I have only talked to a couple of times called me to thank me for talking with her the other night. She is a gal that is really struggling. Besides having drug and alcohol problems she is having marital and financial problems. She is an OB/GYN too. Anyway, I am taking all these little things that are happening to me as signs from my Higher Power. This is a sign that is helping me with the my self esteem. I feel good that I could help someone that and that someone admired what I had to say. May be this program will put me on a real good path to helping people as I help myself. Thank you God.

I do feel bad that I kind of talked about some girls today at work. I really am trying to better myself and not get caught up in worthless gossip. It’s all a process. I just have to remember that my Higher Power is listening. I don’t want him to be disappointed in me. I know I disappoint myself when I get caught up in that type of behavior.

10:43 p.m.

I just got home from the speaker meeting. Oh my gosh, those are such powerful and humbling meetings. These meetings feature people who are celebrating their "birthdays." There were three speakers tonight: Kimlee (1 year); Bob B. (5 years) and Mike (9 years). Kim and Mike's speeches were the most powerful. It's hard to explain what you walk away with after listening to these people. I sit and think about my talk when I have a year sober. I can't imagine that it would be as powerful as what I have heard these past couple of months. I certainly have not been to the bottom like some people. There are a lot who have wanted to kill themselves and I have never been at that point in my life. I have thought that Heaven would be such a nice place though. No financial worries, stress, etc., but that is about it. The thing is, I am not afraid to die anymore. I used to be but not anymore. When it is my time to go I know that I will be with God and people that I love. It is something to look forward to.

I hope that I can keep up this level of contentment. I just feel so "normal." How funny is that. I am really anxious to get started on the reunion but I think I need to just take it slow.

Debbie texted me today to ask how I was doing. I just texted back and told her that I was good and just going to a lot of meetings. She doesn't even go to meetings anymore I don't think. Anyway I talked with Lori tonight and we are going to get started this coming Wednesday. We are going to start from the very beginning. I am looking forward to it. I am not going to lie to Debbie and will probably tell her at some point that I am working with someone else. I want to make sure that Lori and I do well together. I think we will. We have spent some time together talking and I really like her. She goes to a lot of meetings and really works the program and that is just what I need.

I have tomatoes! My first home grown tomatoes have appeared. I'm so excited. I hope the rabbits don't get them.

Well that is all for today.

Let us adore the ever-living God, and render praise unto Him who spread out the heavens and established the earth, whose glory is revealed in the heavens above and whose greatness is manifest throught the world, He is our God, there is none else. We bow the head in reverence, and worship the King of kings, the Holy One, praised be He.