Thursday, June 11

Thursday, June 11, 2009 – 11:00 a.m.

It’s the second day of my journal. You know, today I feel a little shaky and I’m not sure why. I have nothing really to pinpoint. I am trying to cut down on my Xanax (I take on 12.5 mg a day) and yesterday I didn’t take one at all so today I am just going to take ½. There are times that I just feel sad but these days I know how to handle it better and get out of myself. I pray and think of all the blessings in my life. I try to now sweat the little stuff anymore.

I went to a meeting last night and it was good. I almost asked this woman named Carla to be my sponsor but I ended up not doing so. I think God gave me a little sign not to. I like Carla but she can be a little brusque sometimes and also I think she bad mouths people. I don’t want to get into that. I am really trying to “keep my tongue from evil and my lips from speaking guile” as it says in my Jewish Union Prayer Book. I am trying very hard not to talk behind people’s backs and just do the right thing. That was the topic last night at the meeting. Doing the right thing. I know it is not the right thing to talk about people.

I did call Debbie last night and did not leave a message. She called me back but I didn’t talk to her. I am so confused about her. Maybe this is the type of sponsorship I need. I am not a real talker. I really don’t like talking about myself and I don’t need a babysitter. I would, however, like to talk with her a little more but when I do call and talk to her I find that I really don’t have much to say. I’m going to meetings and not drinking. I’m reading the literature and trying to do the right thing. Maybe I am working a good program. I don’t know. I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing. God will let me know if I’m going down the right path.

I have a goal – I am going to organize a committee to work on my 40th year high school reunion. I am going to start making plans and getting in touch with people. The reunion would not be until the summer of 2011 but it’s never to early to start these things. I think the first thing I am going to do is just talk and e-mail some people and try to get a committee started. My plan is to get some sort of quasi-committee started by the fall. During the summer a lot of people go on vacations and have weddings, graduations, etc. I think after schools at the end of August or early September I will get started. I know my hold high school friend Jackie Arnold is going to help me and I know I will be able to find others.

That’s all for now. I am going to go to a “nooner” meeting today. I will report back later. I’m feeling better already just writing and following this prayer:

Lord, help me to remember than when life is dragging me down all I need to do is look up. You are there with me every stop of the way. Help me to remember that I belong to You and through You all things are possible.

2:13 p.m.

Back from the “nooner” meeting. It went well. It was a Big Book study and they were reading the chapter about “All About Alcoholism.” That is a good chapter for me to be hearing as I am still learning to accept my alcoholism. I know in my heart that I can’t drink anymore. All I have to do is remember February 15, 2009 and the thought of alcohol sickens me. I can remember in those last days of binge drinking how I felt. My luck was going to run out if I kept drinking. My health would start to suffer and I know that I would have eventually gotten a DUI or hurt someone. God sent me a very strong message on February 15 and I have been listening to him ever since.

Today is also one month since my friend Mo Sutera passed away. I loved Mo dearly. Although we were never “best friends” or hung out together, I had known her for over 30 years. She died of breast cancer on May 11, 2009. All I can say about Mo is that she was the most genuine person I have ever met in my life. She just drew people to her. She was such a bright light. I am still grieving over her death. It’s funny because like I mentioned, we weren’t great friends and there was a time that I didn’t even see or talk to her for several years. She fought the good fight for 15 years. Her passing away at this time in my life has been significant. I now like to think that I have a guardian angel watching over me, although there are a lot of people who Mo is watching over. She had such a loving and extended family. I know her sisters, brother, mother, husband and children are lost without her. I know they are strong people though and I do pray for their healing daily. When I think about the journey that Mo took it makes me strong and I think in times of uncertainty “what would Mo do.” Mo would fight and go on and not wallow. I could go on and on about her but I won’t. Suffice it to say she will be an inspiration to me for the rest of my life. Fly high Mo. I love and miss you.